Christmas Break + Resolutions

Indie, almost 2, Christmas Eve

Callie, almost 7, last day of school before Xmas break

Blessed. 

I'm feeling great after a week-long visit with our girls. Callie was on Christmas vacation, so we had her overnight for a week. It was the most time we have been able to spend with her in a while, and I felt like her and I could really make the best of things and get into a routine.

I start it out on a positive note, to remind myself that I really am BLESSED. Because I had some shortcomings last week, and I was feeling pretty low. I love to journal when I'm feeling down, so I will share with you what I shared to my conscious ramblings diary.


After a bit of a battle to even have Callie overnight (even though it clearly states it in the guidelines), we finally were able to plan our week out with her nightly visits, picking her up at 5:30 and taking her home at 7:30 a.m. while we were working. We spent the week shopping with Christmas gift cards, cooking, doodling, crafting, rearranging the playroom, playing with dolls, cuddling and watching movies, etc. It was fabulous!

Thursday night, New Year's Day, we spent the whole day together playing with makeup and having breakfast on the town in the morning, and in the evening we had our final Christmas celebration with grandparents.  After playing with another round of gifts (4 Christmas celebrations and counting...), we snuggled in bed and watched Brave. At bedtime, i tucked her in and kissed her goodnight. We talked about what we wanted to dream about and our plans for the next day. I closed the door to her room, and hopped in the shower. I was in there about 3 minutes, only to hear her talking with her dad about going back to her mom's to spend the night.

Now, we never tell her that she can't do this. She can go home any time she wants, whether it's midnight (it's happened), or in the middle of the afternoon (you guessed it, happened.) So, of course, Jesse took her home at 10:30 p.m.
And I wasn't mad...not at her, anyway.

But I am mad, I was mad and I'm still a little mad, to be honest. 

Jesse and I get to be the part-time parents. We learn about her day in a period of 3 hours, we try to do homework, make dinner, play Ninja Turtles, steal kisses, watch movies... in 3 hours.
And it's not enough. And I'm being selfish. I know that.

3 hours is not enough time to really learn who your child is. We don't get to be her goodnight kiss each night, or the first person she sees each day. We spend all our time trying to find a balance of making her do things like clean her room, or help with dishes to make her a stronger person, and fun time. 

When people say the part-time parent spoils the children, this is why. Because we are forced to cram a 24 hour period of activities into the 3 hours the state somehow finds to be adequate. So, no, we don't want to spend half an hour picking up the messy playroom, or forcing her to take a nap.
 I'm mad. Mad that I spent the day treating this beautiful girl the way she should be treated, being Ms. Mommy for almost a week, and at the end of the night she will never love me as much as she loves home.

I'm jealous of how easy it is. Because, guess what. It is easy to love your children. Even when women have unplanned children, never wanted children, it becomes SO EASY to just love them. How dare I say being a mom is easy, right? It isn't. But I'm getting the feeling that being a real mom, no matter the circumstances is a bigger battle than any woman could ever fathom.

I don't do resolutions, so we will call these goals.
I took a long, hard look at myself at 10:30 that night, laying in a now empty bed, the warmth gone from the two little girls who left my bed to go home. And I realized that all I can do is continue to give love and hope to receive love in return. 

And I want my social media, my photos, my personality, my messages, my phone calls, my writing... to reflect ME. I want to document the tantrums and the tears (sometimes mine), the lies and the name calling, the strains of a relationship with stepchildren, everything. I want this to be a honest place where I can tell you all when I'm being selfish or moody.

So, for 2015 I want to...

• Take photos that represent all of motherhood, not just the beautiful picturesque mommy time
• Spend less time on selfies, more time on being selfless
• Communicate more effectively-don't be scared to show love!
• Dedicate time to people who can never repay me
• Teach our children how to love and be kind, giving women

I want to thank you all, sincerely, who have taken the time to read this. This has been my outlet in so many ways, already and I am so happy to be where I am today. If you have anything to add, or comment, feel free. Tell me about your struggles, your funny stories, your mommy moments. <3