Something Missing

Since I have a vagina, I simply can't resist the feels that come from inspiration quotes plastered on a beach-themed backdrop in the form of a perfectly square, ready to 'gram photo.

Seriously, who hasn't reposted some nonsense like that? It's a weakness. 

How many of you LITERALLY just saved one of those photos to Instagram?!

S.O. follow me @chelsealenealos

Anyway, I really think inspirational quotes are the Bible of women's lives. And we use them to justify our feelings and actions, we share them on social media as passive-aggressive peeks into our lives and hearts. 

This month, instead of hiding behind motivational quotes and memes and other internet pseudo-realities, I want to share some truth with you.

I hate being a step-mom.  I hate having step-daughters and I hate having children twice a week.

I hate it because I want more.  I want less labels and more love. Less scheduled visits and more time as a family.

Every morning, as I drive to work, I am stopped by a bus picking up elementary aged children on their way to school. At one home in particular, I see a dad help his small daughter onto the yellow machine each morning and it hurts my heart a little more each time.  I wonder what my children are wearing today? I wonder what Callie ate for breakfast?

These are the moments when you know without a doubt that life isn't fair and it never will be.  

There are smaller Things, too. When I see these beautiful girls come bounding into our driveway in clothes that I didn't choose, shoes I don't like, wearing their hair in a style I would never try. 

Hell hath no fury like a woman who can't choose her child's clothes. 

Every mom envisions, at some point, the sit down family dinners where the family shares all about their day. Mom cleans up the dishes while dad wrestles the kids. 

All I want is a night that we share dinner. 

There are wonderful things about being a step-mom.  The ability to make each day with our children more special than the next, starting new traditions and memories.  

But there are the other times, too.

I want go homes. 

I miss my moms.

My mom says you aren't my friends.

The power of a woman in the life of a child is something that cannot be measured, but the power of a child in a woman's life is a permanent reminder of the haves and have nots.

Let it Go...

I couldn't resist the Frozen reference.
As the stepmother to two little girls, Frozen is where it's at!

Today's topic is.... letting it go.
I've spent many days holding bitter words and thoughts inside, spending hours letting it churn around inside my gut.
And I'm so over it.

So today, all week really, is going to be about learning to let it go.
Because my girls deserve a happy, loving, dedicated stepmom. They learn from my mistakes, my wins and losses.

Today (Wednesday) is a day to forgive myself for my mistakes. Mistakes are really a big part of what makes us unique and what makes us human. Without mistakes and bad choices, or simply wrong choices, I wouldn't be who I am right now. And I LOVE MYSELF.
That should be the phrase that breaks the internet. I LOVE MYSELF.
Treat YoSelf... no, girl, LOVE YOURSELF!

Thursday: Letting go of resentment

Friday: Letting go of petty disagreements

Saturday: Letting go of stress caused by life

Sunday: Letting go of drama and the presence in our lives

Monday: Letting go of anger

Tuesday: Letting go of my schedule

Wednesday: Letting go of self-depreciating practices

For today... I will focus on addressing my past mistakes and how to deal with them. I vow to find one positive aspect to each "negative" situation I've been through.

I will add it to my personal diary, and blog a few of the results.

You are my accountability... see me tomorrow and we can talk about resentments.

<3 Chelsea

What's Better Than a Birthday?

Two birthdays, that's what!

I have just arrived back from a fabulous vacation to Florida, and I am feeling so refreshed and ready to take on the next set of Indiana Step Mama challenges.
Today, anyway. Ask me again tomorrow, Hehe.

Callie turns 7 today! Crazy, madness, insanity I tell you.

I know all moms are all "Oh Em Gee, they were 2 literally yesterday...blah blah blah."
But it's true! I met sweet little Callie when she was just 5 years old, and to look back at photos and videos of that, I am shocked! She has changed so much.

Her sister is turning 2 on Valentine's Day, which means we have some fabulous celebrations coming up.

I love planning parties. I always have, and I probably always will.
I feel so lucky that this year, we haven't had to put up any fights on when/where parties will be and I am so thankful for that. (Silent thank you to birth mother.)

Callie is the best. She loves all things girly- makeup, pop music, dresses, Frozen, mermaids, etc. But she also totally loves digging around in the dirt, getting messy, making potions and playing with Ninja Turtles. Donatello is the best, BTW. She also recently starting talking boyfriends, but that's for a whole other post, y'all...

So, her wish was for a Ninja Turtle cake, which is currently in the works. I 100% am not trying to be supermom...full disclosure...someone else can take 5 hours to make that, cause this lady is NOT.
We are going straight to the Kingdom of Hell, AKA Chuck E Cheese, where my beautiful doll child can tear around lawlessly, covered in pepperoni pizza grease, ninja turtle mask and lipstick with a couple other equally terrifying children. I am so over the moon about the whole thing.

I got party favor bags to make, and tonight we are making Ninja Turtle cookies (wait for the photos!) and also turning small, wooden circles into awesome Ninja Turtle disks. OH EM GEE.
And, after that, we can play Princess and fling Donatello through the air on his new zipline (Best. Gift. Ever.)

In other news, I realized that this is what being a mom/step-mom/pseudo-mom/part-time mom is all about. I feel so *duh* why has it taken me this long to realize small people with small opinions don't get to decide how I love my child?

I am beyond lucky.
I will keep y'all updated with photos of Ninja Turtle shenanigans...

(Ninja Turtle cousin twins, Aunt Alex on the left with son Jackson, and Callie in her winter coat and Donatello gear! Halloween 2014)

Christmas Break + Resolutions

Indie, almost 2, Christmas Eve

Callie, almost 7, last day of school before Xmas break

Blessed. 

I'm feeling great after a week-long visit with our girls. Callie was on Christmas vacation, so we had her overnight for a week. It was the most time we have been able to spend with her in a while, and I felt like her and I could really make the best of things and get into a routine.

I start it out on a positive note, to remind myself that I really am BLESSED. Because I had some shortcomings last week, and I was feeling pretty low. I love to journal when I'm feeling down, so I will share with you what I shared to my conscious ramblings diary.


After a bit of a battle to even have Callie overnight (even though it clearly states it in the guidelines), we finally were able to plan our week out with her nightly visits, picking her up at 5:30 and taking her home at 7:30 a.m. while we were working. We spent the week shopping with Christmas gift cards, cooking, doodling, crafting, rearranging the playroom, playing with dolls, cuddling and watching movies, etc. It was fabulous!

Thursday night, New Year's Day, we spent the whole day together playing with makeup and having breakfast on the town in the morning, and in the evening we had our final Christmas celebration with grandparents.  After playing with another round of gifts (4 Christmas celebrations and counting...), we snuggled in bed and watched Brave. At bedtime, i tucked her in and kissed her goodnight. We talked about what we wanted to dream about and our plans for the next day. I closed the door to her room, and hopped in the shower. I was in there about 3 minutes, only to hear her talking with her dad about going back to her mom's to spend the night.

Now, we never tell her that she can't do this. She can go home any time she wants, whether it's midnight (it's happened), or in the middle of the afternoon (you guessed it, happened.) So, of course, Jesse took her home at 10:30 p.m.
And I wasn't mad...not at her, anyway.

But I am mad, I was mad and I'm still a little mad, to be honest. 

Jesse and I get to be the part-time parents. We learn about her day in a period of 3 hours, we try to do homework, make dinner, play Ninja Turtles, steal kisses, watch movies... in 3 hours.
And it's not enough. And I'm being selfish. I know that.

3 hours is not enough time to really learn who your child is. We don't get to be her goodnight kiss each night, or the first person she sees each day. We spend all our time trying to find a balance of making her do things like clean her room, or help with dishes to make her a stronger person, and fun time. 

When people say the part-time parent spoils the children, this is why. Because we are forced to cram a 24 hour period of activities into the 3 hours the state somehow finds to be adequate. So, no, we don't want to spend half an hour picking up the messy playroom, or forcing her to take a nap.
 I'm mad. Mad that I spent the day treating this beautiful girl the way she should be treated, being Ms. Mommy for almost a week, and at the end of the night she will never love me as much as she loves home.

I'm jealous of how easy it is. Because, guess what. It is easy to love your children. Even when women have unplanned children, never wanted children, it becomes SO EASY to just love them. How dare I say being a mom is easy, right? It isn't. But I'm getting the feeling that being a real mom, no matter the circumstances is a bigger battle than any woman could ever fathom.

I don't do resolutions, so we will call these goals.
I took a long, hard look at myself at 10:30 that night, laying in a now empty bed, the warmth gone from the two little girls who left my bed to go home. And I realized that all I can do is continue to give love and hope to receive love in return. 

And I want my social media, my photos, my personality, my messages, my phone calls, my writing... to reflect ME. I want to document the tantrums and the tears (sometimes mine), the lies and the name calling, the strains of a relationship with stepchildren, everything. I want this to be a honest place where I can tell you all when I'm being selfish or moody.

So, for 2015 I want to...

• Take photos that represent all of motherhood, not just the beautiful picturesque mommy time
• Spend less time on selfies, more time on being selfless
• Communicate more effectively-don't be scared to show love!
• Dedicate time to people who can never repay me
• Teach our children how to love and be kind, giving women

I want to thank you all, sincerely, who have taken the time to read this. This has been my outlet in so many ways, already and I am so happy to be where I am today. If you have anything to add, or comment, feel free. Tell me about your struggles, your funny stories, your mommy moments. <3

 

 

 

 

 

 

Happy Howlidays

What I realllllllly want to talk about this week is what drama queens mothers can be. (Golden Uterus Syndrome, anyone?)

But, instead I will remind myself what a blessed holiday we had, being able to see our beautiful little girls rip through presents at 2 Christmas celebrations, knowing they had 2 others ones to go to, as well.

I work as a reporter, and recently was able to see 63 children who wouldn't have Christmas, be able to have such a thing because of the generosity of local police and community donations.

So, instead of telling you how it FINALLY all worked out that we were able to see them, just know that we had a great Holiday. And I sincerely hope that you did, as well.

I also had a friend share this article, and would love to hear your thoughts on the matter!

http://persephonemagazine.com/2014/05/dont-blame-your-kids-youre-just-a-crappy-friend/

<3

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Good morning beautiful souls!

I had a great weekend spent working and going out with friends. Perfect balance.
I'm feeling refreshed after a nice, big Facebook friend purge. I decided that even some people to whom I owe loyalty have truly wronged me with their social media jab, jeers, and negative opinions.
And I don't need that in my life.

Family is family, but some friends are better family than our own family. And, I don't want to be reminded what mistakes I have made, because I already have to live with them.

If you have anyone on your social media who brings you down, I highly suggest the good old Facebook friend list purge.

On another side of that coin, it reminded me to be cautious with my words and my opinions. It's easy to hide behind a keyboard and judge, make comments that I would never say in real life. And the great thing bout that, espcially on Facebook, is that my daughters will see it many years down the line if they choose to.

Nothing on the internet ever really goes away. It is the day of screenshots, hard drives, clouds, etc.
It's more permanent. Do I want to rant about my boss? Yes. Will I? No.

Being out with friends was great. I've met a ton of new people through my boyfriend, and my whole group of friends has really altered since I decided to become part of this small family we have.
So what I want to talk about is the awkward..."Are you a mom?" "Do you have kids?" "Oh, she looks just like you!"

All that mommy talk can sure be confusing to the heart.
About 6 months ago, I started taking Jesse (my boyfriend) and Callie (6 year old daughter) out to breakfasts on Saturday or Sunday. It was a great weekly tradition that we had, and all 3 of us looked forward to it. We don't see Indie (age 2, daughter) on Saturdays, so it was a good time to really focus our energy on Callie and what was going on in her life.

I'm from such a small town, it was obvious that one of us knew at least one person no matter where we went. And there were always those little old ladies who looked at Callie and I drawing fake tattoos on her dad's arm, saying "Oh, you look just like your mom!"

Errrr.

Talk about a rock and a hard place. Callie never corrected, but I knew there were scathing eyes and ears near by that were WAITING for me to admit this was not my child. That I was a sham, an imposter of a mother, trying to claim this perfect child that I had no part in making.

Moms are serious business, y'all. They go through a lot of pain and changes in making such a beautiful thing. And it's amazing, truly.
But they want everyone to know that for the rest of their lives. "I made this!"

So I was scared. I was scared to lie, even if it was just by not correcting some sweet old lady.
But I was also scared to admit that I was not the true mother, that someone else had done this and I was just pretending. I was scared of what other people thought of me, or would think of me.

Fast forward to today. Jesse and Callie recently had "the talk" about who I really am. Jesse explained that I was kind of like her step-mom, a term that Callie was able to understand and identify with. (Thank you, baby Buddha for making step-moms a common thing in movies, books, etc)
So Callie has started telling everyone I am her step-mom. She asked what she should call me, and I told her anything she wants.
Although, Princess has a nice ring to it...
She stuck with Mama C. And she really latched on to it, the first few days.
Our conversations went like this...

Callie: "Mama C?"
Me: "yes, Callie B?"
Callie: ........

I think she must like how it sounds. I like how it sounds, too. Each situation warrants a different response, like all things in life, our situation is a lot of grey area. Callie, Indie, Jesse and I have to forge our own path each day. We get to decide what our little family we be like while we are together.

And we also get to decided what it is like when we are apart. So, when I find myself listening to my 30-something friends talk about their children, the messes and the footprints in concrete...I was starting to feel a little out of place.

But, I hear Callie's voice in my head, calling "Mama C" through the house, or whispering to her best friend in the bleachers that I am her stepmom, and I know that there is nothing wrong with loving and being part of a family that wasn't originally your own.

I didn't make these children, but these children have helped to make me. Each day together is a lesson in love, and each day apart is a lesson in patience. For that, I am thankful.

An Introduction...

My name is Chelsea.
I'm a 22-year-old multitasker who loves to read, write and consume coffee.
I'm currently employed at 4 locations, but my main full-time job is as an editorial writer for my local newspaper.
My passion is people. My days just aren't complete if I'm not interacting with new people, reaching out and helping someone. Sometimes a kind word or smile is all it takes.

But what I'm really here to talk about is my life as a mom.
But I'm not a real mom. At least, that's what complete strangers, family and friends like to point out.
I'm a pseudo-mom.
I don't have children of my own, but I do have children.

I am in a relationship with a man who isn't my husband (GASP)
and we have partial custody of his two beautiful children.

There are many reasons, I feel, that the pseudo-mom is underappreciated.
The list includes:  Ex-Wives, Birth Moms, Birth Grandparents and Family friends that feel entitled.

The great news about children is that nobody TRULY owns them. Children are a beautiful, special form of life that is fleeting and rare in its rawest form.
And because they are such beautiful beings, it leads to a tug-of-war of hearts, emotions tangling all in the quest to call them "MINE."

I'm here to tell you that I will never own these children.
These children own me.

They are my decision to stay home when I want to go out with friends.
They are the whisper that tells me to find a steady job, one that will allow time at home.
They are the broken toys, the paint on the floor, the crayons in my dog's mouth and the spirit in the home.

But these children will never be mine.
And I'm on the quest to find my place in a society that values possession over true, raw, self-sacrificing, unconditional love.

With this blog, I hope to find an outlet for my tears, fears and dreams. I hope that I can share experiences that are powerful and raw and that you will judge me. But, I also hope that many of you will find comfort in a shared experience.

Because, at the end of the day, we are all beings made up, collectively of smaller things that are shared on this Earth. I hope my stories can entertain you, and I hope these tales find you well.

Please watch for more posts, as I will update you on when, where, what I will be posting.

And if you have any suggestions, I'm open for that, too!

"Do what you want and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter won't mind." <3